Please note this is not a "come to Jesus to be saved" blog; it's the opposite. I mention this, being aware that religious trauma is real and can affect the way we hear. This blog offers context to the word Grace and notices how its meaning has shifted over the years. It is not a blog to sway you into believing a certain way. 

As the dream began, I was in the cell, but the door was cracked open. The entrance to the sheriff's department was also ajar. Oddly, I was free to leave but chose to stay.

I was invited to walk, talk, listen, and be amongst giants on a hike I took a few months ago. Giant redwoods are fat and stocky, and their roots spread out wide amongst the forest's surface, entangling with other plant life as they lived in harmony. The enormity of their body beside mine made me feel small, yet I occupied a space of dignity.

Many people suffer in silence. It is a usual human experience. We all suffer in varying ways, levels, and severity. Some suffering causes our nervous systems to be in survival mode even when our physical life is not threatened. This occurs when we are not emotionally safe.

It is the middle of the summer, and I can already begin to feel a transition brewing. I’ve come to realize that my body is acutely aware of future transitions. It’s a gift, and yet it has felt like a perpetual looming black cloud or self-inflicted torture as I anticipate the future. It’s not worry or anxiety, as it may seem from the way that I describe it. It is my body’s memory of past trauma and hard seasons that blindsided me because I would do my best to think only on good things.

I invite you to come with me as I explore a question that bubbled up in a supervision session. The question was: what does freedom look like or feel like when I trust the unfolding of a directee’s story? It’s fascinating, eventually there was a shift where the question became about the unfolding of my own story while on a walk during my silent retreat.

2022 has begun. A lot of things bubble up for me whenever a new year begins. There’s a sense of hopefulness, skepticism, delight, fear, and numbness. They are felt in my current experience, but they do not define who I am or who I am made to be. When I investigate their edges, they become invitations to grow in greater awareness. They beckon me to live fully and freely.

My journey recently has taken a side road, more like a cul de sac with grief. My grandma passed away in early September. It was somewhat surprising and somewhat expected but neither of these truths make the grief more or less painful.

I noticed the other day that consolation and desolation are always dancing together in our human experience. Noticing our emotions, shame and experiences within the dance brings solace and clarity. Accepting their presence in our life affirms our humanity.

As the layers were overexposed through the lengthy deconstruction, my soul was invited to consider three guiding whispers from the Spirit: “Gentleness is as much a pursuit as it is a value”, “Trust yourself and the Spirit inside you,” and “In the Spirit’s Grip”. I needed care to accept the pain and trauma of deconstruction while also resting in the ever-present safety and love of the Divine.

Recently, I was given homework at the end of a session with my Spiritual Director. It was more like an invitation to continue the internal ponderings to exploring my experiences with the density of grace.

As I closed my computer, there was a part of me that resisted continuing my contemplation.

As the season of change approaches, I am invited to consider how I traverse life’s complexities (divorce crisis with COVID-19 crisis) as Divine Love is with us. Especially as my girls and I, prepare for school, routines and bustling productivity.

Sometimes we need more help than what I have offered in this blog. This blog is a starting point and it is an invitation to continue to seek the help you need when you need it. Our American culture would have us believe that we should be able to do life on our own and if we ask for help we are less than. It is not true and it is unrealistic.

Every week we end our time with a Contemplative Prayer (communing with the Divine to listen).

Several weeks back, it was suggested that we go outside and ask an object of nature what the Divine may say to us. This is an intimate reflection of my communing with the Spirit.