A Definition of Grace

Please note this is not a "come to Jesus to be saved" blog; it's the opposite. I mention this, being aware that religious trauma is real and can affect the way we hear. This blog offers context to the word Grace and notices how its meaning has shifted over the years. It is not a blog to sway you into believing a certain way. 

Grace is a "churchy" word rarely spoken about outside church contexts. And yet it is abundant, not in words but in experiences; it saturates us even as we are unaware. Before I speak to its abundance, let me share a little about my story. 

My relationship with Grace has been nuanced and confusing at best.

Being raised in the Christian tradition, Grace was talked about as unmerited favor, being saved from eternal damnation because our creator radically loved us. Another thing that was true about Grace was that there was safety within it; it was about being seen, heard, and known. There was openness, curiosity, and genuine care. But most of the time, Grace was for the future and escaping hell. 

Honestly, Grace for the future was too far away, and I needed it then in the dark, hidden places. My soul was starving to be safe while being seen, heard, and known. 

Grace was cryptic in the dysfunctional Christian environment of my home. Reflecting on my childhood, my body, mind, and soul were on overdrive to create the context to be safe—keeping family secrets out of fear and shame fragmented pieces of myself so I could create a safe place for my soul to hide. Remaining hidden was a natural trauma response to be safe.

Hiding in my heart cave, I was co-creating safety and Grace.

As I got older and into adulthood, I ran away daily from an unsafe home to hide under my obsessions with basketball, water polo, climbing the corporate ladder, leadership at church, and helping others. These were acceptable ways for a good woman to remain safe and hidden. Reflecting on my past, I notice how my obsessions were a way for me to seek tangible Grace. 

As the trends of pulpit teachings swung back and forth, Bible verses were twisted with fear and shame, blackening Grace and shaping it into something earned, entitled, and exclusive. Withholding Grace became plausible. It became precarious when care and communing with Love was only for those who did god's will. It made it seem like humans harnessed the power of Grace's presence through their choices, actions, and dutiful behaviors.

The definition of Grace was morphing into something it was not.

Stuck in the lies of earning Grace, I had to do more and more to find it, maintain it, and never lose it. I then transitioned to using internal violence with harsh self-judgment, shame, and fear to motivate me to change behaviors, habits, and thoughts. It became a vicious cycle that sucked my soul dry because my dutiful behaviors were never enough. I always had to do more, and the proverbial bar to be held in Grace was raised daily.

It was a well-worn, graceless rut that I was stuck in. While I desired to change and get unstuck, I didn't know how to. I could not fathom not striving to receive Grace. I had tried counseling several times, medication, self-help books, bible studies, and online courses. Some helped for a time, but then I would return to what I knew, striving and achieving to be seen, heard, and known. I was searching for Grace.

I longed to be held by Grace, to find a place where all parts of myself were safe and honored just because. A place where my intellect, body, spirit, and heart could be present even if they were not on the same page. I needed sovereignty and dignity for my whole self (all the fragments desiring to be whole again) and all my experiences (all the paradoxical and conflicting).

I found Grace in the art and practice of spiritual direction. 

Naturally, I was skeptical about a space defined by spiritual direction. I couldn't fathom it to be a space free of judgment and fixing. All other religious-type spaces were heavily dosed with fear and shame, cloaked by judgment, fixing and saving. 

So, of course, I was resistant to spiritual direction. I expected that I would be told what I was doing wrong and how to fix it. I had experienced enough shame and fear and didn't need another place to go to have more heaped on me. I was on alert for unsafe, graceless people and spaces.

Instead, spiritual direction would invite me to learn slowly to experience Grace in the present and how to co-create safety while being seen, heard, and known. It would be where Grace was not about my future; instead, Grace would have a density I could experience in the moment.

In a spiritual direction session, I explored founding Saturated Grace and unearth my passion to hold space for others to explore the ever-widening edges of Grace. I also discovered G.R.A.C.E., first: become Grounded and present to your body/breath, second: Recognize the inner unrest and name what it is, third: Accept all the things that bubble up at the moment (emotions, experiences that need healing, injustice, trauma, etc.), forth: Cherish yourself, meeting your need to be seen, heard and known and lastly: Emerge, ask yourself: What is kindness? Then go and do it as soon as you can.

Spiritual direction, specifically group spiritual direction, gave me the space to experience things I had intellectually known about for years but needed the safety to put into practice. All the values that had sounded good in theory were shared in real-time alongside complex circumstances, feelings, and injustice. The values of Grace, mercy, hope, peace, love, safety, compassion, acceptance, kindness, dignity, beauty, joy, and presence were real. They didn’t need religious context to make them so.

Please take a moment to be curious.

Where did you experience resonance? Where did you notice having similar feelings but different circumstances?

Where was there resistance? Did you notice yourself becoming uncomfortable?

Which was more prominent, resonance or resistance? Take a moment to explore the more prominent experience by noticing if there is an image, texture, or color that bubbles to the surface.

Holding the image, texture, and color, notice if there is an invitation. Take a moment to write a few words down, draw the image, or feel the texture or color.